Eat, Drink & Be Delusionary

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With the holidays coming up, I thought it would help to make a list of the lies I tell myself about eating and drinking. I figure once I’m on to myself, I’ll have a much harder time tricking me.

At first it was easy to list the lies, then, not so much. It got tougher when I learned that lies can fly through our heads so fast, we’re hardly aware of them.

Therapists who practice cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, will back me up. Powerful thoughts can zip through our heads at lightning speed. And if they’re negative or invalid thoughts – which is what lies are – they can really trip us up.

I’ve been working to catch the zippiest of the lies I tell myself about how I eat and drink. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

Lie No. 1: I cannot gain weight by sneaking fries from my kids’ fast food meals in the car on my way home.

Lie No. 2: I cannot gain weight from the candy on my coworkers’ desks. That candy was put there for peoples’ happiness, and since gaining weight is not conducive to my happiness, the candy will not cause weight-gain.

Lie No. 3: I cannot gain weight at holiday parties, wedding receptions and bar/bat mitzvahs no matter how many cheese logs I eat since I plan to dance hard enough to elevate my heart-rate to 290.

Lie No. 4: Since dark chocolate is good for me, milk chocolate can’t be that bad because it’s made with milk which contains calcium and protein.

Lie No. 5: I cannot gain weight on Saturday. If the Saturday’s within a leap year, I can’t gain weight on the following Sunday either — AND for another four years.

Lie No. 6: I cannot gain weight by drinking milk directly from the bottle. Milk must be consumed from a glass in order to cause weight-gain. I am further protected from weight-gain by drinking the milk directly from the bottle while standing in front of the refrigerator. If I drink milk from the bottle while standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open, and the light burns out, my level of protection is quintupled.

Now that I’m aware of these lies, maybe I’ll manage my weight more easily during the holidays. And I know they really are lies, too, because if they were true, I’d weigh 97 pounds.


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Teece Aronin

Teece Aronin is a blogger and columnist. Teece writes a humor/health and wellness column for the Oakland Press and is the Featured Writer for October at TrueHumor.com. Her artwork is available at the Redbubble.com store, phylliswalter, and Teece seriously considers any request for workshops, coaching, and speaking engagements. Read her blog at ChippedDemitasse.BlogSpot.com, contact her at paronin1@gmail.com and follow her on Twitter @taronin

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